• Sun. Feb 28th, 2021

♪♪ ♪♪ -Welcome to Target. Let's see. Yard gloves.
[ Beep ] Tomato seeds. [ Beep ] Fertilizer.
[ Beep ] Hey, Pat Sajak,
I'll solve the puzzle! Gardening. It's going to be $42.11. -Here you go.
-A $50! And it's legit. I get to put this
under the tray. -Look, I'm sorry.
I'm in a hurry. -Hey, you know what
fertilizer is, right? -Excuse me? -It's part dirt and part feces. It's my job to let you know
what you're buying. I just thought you should know you're buying
a big bag of feces. -Thanks. -Someone left a bag of feces
on my doorstep once.

It was Halloween,
and they rang the bell. But when I got there,
they were gone. But they let their feces bag. They must have forgotten it. I put it in my garden. But it didn't help
any of my plants. I think because
it came from a person. I'm sure this will work because
this manure came from a chicken. [ Zip! ] Wow, I haven't seen anything
move that fast since I went to
an illegal mouse race. It was a weird, weird night. -Did somebody say weird? -Peg. -Hi, girlfriend.
-Hey. -So I strained my neck. -How'd you do that, girlfriend? -I was pushing a washing machine
up a hill when my fashion sandal
got caught on a decorative yard prick. Is that not just classic Peg? -Classic Peg. -So then I tripped and tried to
brace myself on the washer lid, but I ended up breakin' it off
and fallin' inside. I rolled all the way back down
the hill inside of it.

I mean, I was holding on to
the cup that holds the softener, and my legs were clenched
around the agitator pole. Can you believe it? I mean, is that not
just classic Peg? -So classic. -So the next thing I know, I'm peering my head
out of the machine. It's 8:00 in the morning and I'm
behind the Dunky Donuts by the private airport. Classic Peg. -So what brings you to Target,
Miss Thing? -Two words, potato sticks
and Kar-erl. I got a date tonight. -Yowser. -Well, you know how I roll.
I just — Ow. I'll be right back. -Hi. Can I pay for these? -I forgot my coconut water.
Just classic Peg. -[ Gasps ]
Look how long your hair is. I bet if you put it up in a bun,
it would look like you were wearing
a hair-covered kaiser roll. Right, let's see. Sunscreen, nose plugs. I wear nose plugs
around the house when my neighbor cooks broccoli.

What's this?
Arm floaties? -Yeah, you blow them up
with air. They're for my son
to help him swim. Where are you going? -Excuse me.
Is this register open? -Yeah, I guess.
But the lady just took off. -Is it a white lady
that has a haircut that looks like she got bangs that go all the way around
her head and never stop? -Yeah. -Do she sound like her
voice box is covered in egg? -That's her. -Yep, I thought so.
I'm waiting in the other line. -I found them. I'm gonna blow these up and put
them on my antique bean cans, fill them with pencils so I can write thank-you notes
in the tub. Peg, you're back. -You are never gonna believe
what just happened to me, girl. I was checking my mascara
in one of the fish tanks when all of a sudden
I felt this tiny pinch on the edge of my panty band.

I looked around, pushed
my slacks down to my ankles, and found something
crawling on me. It was a black widow spider. -Those are poisonous!
-I know. So I flicked it on the ground
and realized, get this, it was a half-flattened
licorice jelly bean. So there I was laughing with my
comfort slacks around my ankles by the fish tanks at Target. Classic Peg. Then guess who runs into me. My preacher from church. And guess what he said. -That heaven has a Target? -No. He didn't — He didn't say that. Classic Peg. -Classic Peg to the max. -And look what else I found
for my date tonight. [ Vocalizing ] -Satin handcuffs.
Where are those? -They're with
the bachelorette party stuff.

I think it was aisle 12. [ Ringtone playing
up-tempo dance music ] This is Peg. Yes, I did call for a full-body
waxing except for the neck. Yes, it usually takes about
three hours with two breaks. Yes, I can hop on my scooter
and be there in 20. Ooh, I gotta go.
My friend's coming back. -Wham, bam, thank you, Peg. I'm gonna put these around the
trunks of my indoor palm trees to make sure they grow
parallel to one another. -Well, listen, I got to go.
I got to get to my waxing. My Barbara Bush is getting
bigger by the minute. I call it that because,
well, it's white and a bunch of people took
pictures of it in the '90s. -TMI, Miss Girl. -I'm thinking about making
cabbage tacos for us tonight.

Maybe I better pick up
some air freshener. -How about instead you get
a scented candle? We have vanilla, lavender
breeze, stress relief. I think there's peppermint
in that. Lilac, Hawaiian scented… Hey, don't be shy.
Hi. Welcome to Target. -Thank you. -Ooh, body bronzer. Looks like someone's trying
to beat the winter blues. -Uh, the winter what? -Is this for your pasty skin? -Uh, no, I just want to look
good for a wedding I'm going to.

-I love weddings! I get to sit at circle tables
and listen to the hits of today. Like "Single Ladies." -That's great.
Listen, I'm kind of — -[ Humming "Single Ladies" ] -Okay. Can you please just — -I love Beyoncé! Do you want to know what
my second-favorite thing to listen to is? -I do not.
-This! [ Beep ] It's gonna be $9.07. -Here's $10.
Keep the change. -I'm not allowed! I know — I'm gonna give this
to Sarah McLachlan and her wet dogs. -Oh, this box. -Hey, Boogie, how's it hanging? -Not too great. One, last night,
my remote-control helicopter flew through my ponytail
and cut off eight inches.

And two, this box is heavy. -Hey, here's a positive spin. You're gaining muscle mass. -Oh, I don't know.
I-I-I doubt it. Pow! I was really hoping
you'd notice. -Pull your pants up.
I can see your forest. -Boogie, what the hell you doing
'sides turning me on? Put your shirt back on,
get that box to baby wear. -I'm sorry, Mr. Evenings. -Sorry's for horses.
Now, get! -I almost hit a horse once
with my Smart car. I ended up driving
right under it. It left a brown racing stripe
on the hood. I loved it! Went away with the rain. Hey, where'd Boogie go? -I don't know, but I've been
standing here for 30 seconds with a face like this… -Hi. Welcome to Target. Let's see.
Smucker's jelly. [ Beep ]
Very hot right now. Dog collar.
Hope you have a dog. Wink. Wait, what's this? -Oh, that's a saucer sled. -Where'd you get this? -Over by the shovels
and snow stuff. W-Where you going? What — Where did she go? What the hell are you doing? -I'm getting huge.

I think that the cashier with
the egg voice likes my muscles, and I like her thin brown lips. And tonight I'm gonna go ask her
to see "Tintin." -Oh, that's nice. -Hot chicken, I found one. I'm gonna paint a huge eyeball
on this, put it outside my window,
and when I have company, I'll pull the drapes back and tell everyone
a giant is watching us. -Can I just pay for the stuff,
please? -That'll be $38.25. -I have a gift card.
-Yay! Gift card! I have an adult dollhouse, and sometimes I use these
as bath mats. Your balance is $12.75. You could still get a bowl
of glass pebbles for the back of your toilet. -Just give me the card back,
you mushroom-haired kook. -Hey! Don't talk to her like that, or you'll have me to deal with
in two years once I get a little more bulky.

Okay, bro bud? -Boogie, who told you
to put your shirt back on? -You did.
-Alright, but I'm watching you. I'm always watching you. -Hi. Um, just these. -What are these? -It's a multi-pack
of chip clips. Wait. Where are you going? -Have you seen a tall guy with
a mustache eating a hot dog? -No, but my cashier just left. -Lucky. You got to see her
from behind. Pretty great, right? -Nope. -Deviled eggs on ice,
I found some. I'm gonna take all these and
clip myself into bed at night 'cause I have restless legs
and arms. -Alright. How much? [ Beep ] $5.11. Yes! That's how tall
my niece is. -Can I just give you my Visa? -I need an ID with this. Oh, you look mad
in this picture. It's a match! And swipe. Approved! [ Receipt printing ] Hey, you didn't get a bag. -Well, that's the end
of my shift, but I got to go
to Mr. Evening's house. He asked if I would do
some odd jobs for him, and when he said "odd," his eyebrows went up and down
like this.

-Well, see you tomorrow, Boogie. Thanks for working at Target. -Hey, d-do you want to see
"Tintin" tonight? -I can't. I have a funeral
for my fish. He was an anchovy named Pizza.
Ironic! You should come.
-I'd love to. -Alright, wear black
and prepare to get wet. -Should I bring anything? -No, I have everything I need
from Target. -I have candles, flashing
lights, tissues for tears… -And thank you so much.
Here's your change. -No, thank you.
You've been a great cashier.

-Alright, take it, take it.
Let's go. Get out of here. Let's go, come on.
Take it, take it, take it. -Come on.
Are you okay? -It's my shift!
I want to start! I want to start my shift! -Come on, that was a customer. -Alright, take your cash drawer
and get the "F" out of here. I'm on the clock
and ready to rock! -Geez. Target Lady,
it's just a job. -You're a fool and you know it. Ohh. God, I hope someone
walks up soon so I can say,
"Welcome to Target." I just want to say,
"Welcome to Target." Just want to say, "Welcome
to Target," to somebody. Welcome to Target! -Thanks. Just this stuff. -Oh, yes! My favorite film,
"Madagascar," baby! I love DreamWorks.
[ Beep ] Cocktail-size paper plates? You know, you can put two
of these down your pants, one on each side of your bum,
so your butt looks flat? Flat is where it's at,
girlfriend. -Oh, I don't know
if that's true. -What — What is this? Degree deodorant,
and the scent is Cool Rush? Where'd you get this? -In the toiletries section.
Hey, where are you going? Excuse me.

The cashier just disappeared. -Hold it. Did she look
like a middle-aged turtle with brown lips
and a hair helmet? -Yeah, that was her. -Oh, hell, no, I cannot
deal with that lady today. -Sweet Mary Hart!
I found it! I'm gonna use this deodorant
to cover the entire surface of my adult outdoor slide. It's too fast! The other day I zipped down
so darn quickly, I flew into my neighbor's yard,
through her legs, and ended up next to her Acura. -Okay. I'm sorry. My girlfriend's waiting
in the car, so… -Your what? -Why are you making that face? -I've never met a lesbian. Do you all wear vests? -I'm not wearing one right now. -Stereotype busted. I learn something every day
at Target. Yesterday I learned that
Coca-Cola is dark brown.

That'll be $441. -What? That cannot be right. -Uh-oh.
You're correct. You know what that means.
I get to do something very rare. Void! Voids take a lot of energy. I think I need half
of an almond. It worked! Successfully voided. Your real total is $38.51.
And here's a wink for free. -I'll just pay cash. -You can use your debit
if it's easier. Don't worry,
I will cross my eyes so I can't see your secret code. If you're still here,
thanks for coming to Target.

Oh, my eyes. I feel like I've been staring
at the sun again. I'm dizzy and my blood sugar
is low, low, low. I better eat that other half
of the almond. Better! Alright, who's next and ready
for customer service to die for? -Hi. Just these, please. -Well, look at all
of these cards. Birthday, graduation, Mother's Day,
coming up tomorrow. Under the wire. Someone's turning 3. Oh. Someone died. And I just realized I said
"customer service to die for." Open mouth, insert
Target sock-covered foot. -No, no, no, no, I'm just buying
a bunch of cards so I have them on hand,
you know, when I need them. -Are you a hoarder? Sometimes I think I am. -I don't know you, but I have
a feeling that you are. -I have every issue
of "Sassy" magazine. -Well, how come? -I like to cut out
the models' eyes and put them on my eyelids
so when I'm asleep, my birds never feel alone
and the ghosts think I'm awake. -Well, there's no such thing
as ghosts. -I have a ghost, and her name
is Dr.

Gayle Perkins. She told me she's suffering
between realms. What do I do? -Move? -Oh, honey, there you are. I just —
I need to get these, too. -Maxi pads? What are these? -Feminine protection for… -Protection from what? -You know, every month,
a woman… -Drives to Florida just to get
a quick look at Florida? -What? -Where'd you get these? -With the feminine protection — Where is she going? -I don't know.
Let's just go to Kohl's. -Kohl's? Who are you,
Donald Trump? -Hot duck! I found them. I'm gonna get these, wet them,
and puff them up and lay them out on
the back side of my toilet and create a winter wonderland
for my granny dolls. Oh, they're gonna need
new jackets. While I'm at it, I should pick
up some Lawry's seasoned salt, a strawberry candle,
chocolate, charcoals, Chuckles, a chewy Chuckle, Pabst, indoor/outdoor birdseed..

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